1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,040
Buongiorno...

2
00:00:03,075 --> 00:00:04,480
which is Italian for hello.

3
00:00:04,515 --> 00:00:07,560
Chic. Which is French for... cheek?

4
00:00:09,240 --> 00:00:11,400
So, how are you? Had a good week?
Lovely.

5
00:00:11,435 --> 00:00:12,680
Well, back to me.

6
00:00:12,715 --> 00:00:18,520
Now, previously in my life, I tell my mother I'd be happy not to marry, which I think she was fine with.

7
00:00:23,320 --> 00:00:26,280
We calmed her down but she regularly attempts to set me up

8
00:00:26,315 --> 00:00:30,160
with aristocratic squires at her literary themed parties.

9
00:00:30,195 --> 00:00:32,400
No, they're worse than they sound.

10
00:00:33,920 --> 00:00:36,280
Last year, Last Of The Mohicans.

11
00:00:38,240 --> 00:00:41,840
Darling, this is Quentin.

12
00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:48,880
Hello, Miranda. We last met at a tennis tournament in Tunbridge.

13
00:00:50,560 --> 00:00:51,760
Taramasalata?

14
00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:55,640
I fear another party's looming, so I'm stressed -

15
00:00:55,675 --> 00:00:57,960
that way when little things get to you.

16
00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:11,880
Right, calm and on with the show.

17
00:01:22,880 --> 00:01:26,960
Morning! Morning! Oh, Stevie, what are you doing? What have you done?

18
00:01:26,995 --> 00:01:30,600
It's not even 10am and I can already talk to Ms Heather Small.

19
00:01:30,635 --> 00:01:35,160


20
00:01:35,195 --> 00:01:38,160
I'll tell you, Heather, I've done a marketing display...

21
00:01:38,195 --> 00:01:41,680
Right, can I have word? Oh, would you like my counsel? I would, sir.

22
00:01:41,715 --> 00:01:46,560
Go ahead, caller. You're not invited to this meeting, Heather. Goodbye. Goodbye. Thank you.

23
00:01:46,595 --> 00:01:49,680
I shall explain this as clearly and professionally as I can.

24
00:01:49,715 --> 00:01:52,040
Valentine's Day makes me go...

25
00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:58,640
We've got a lovely relationship that we're showing off about, have we?

26
00:01:58,675 --> 00:02:04,160
"Oh, I'm so in love." Get out!
Get out! Get out! Get out!

27
00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:11,200
I don't know who St Valentine was, but I hope he died alone, surrounded by couples.

28
00:02:11,235 --> 00:02:15,760
Right, this is going. What?! Before it reminds Mum I'm still single

29
00:02:15,795 --> 00:02:18,680
and a themed party definitely rears its ugly head.

30
00:02:18,715 --> 00:02:19,920
Can't you get out of them?

31
00:02:19,955 --> 00:02:24,200
I'm notoriously bad at excuses, you know that. Particularly with Mum.

32
00:02:24,235 --> 00:02:27,840
She'll just use her beloved phrase, "Such fun!" to shut me up.

33
00:02:27,875 --> 00:02:30,000
What's your standard excuse?

34
00:02:30,035 --> 00:02:32,880
I just panic and say, "I can't I'm going to the cinema."

35
00:02:32,915 --> 00:02:36,200
What if someone asks you to the cinema and you don't want to go?

36
00:02:36,235 --> 00:02:38,280
I go to the cinema with them.

37
00:02:38,315 --> 00:02:43,560
Well, I mean, I can't say, "I can't go to the cinema," because I'm going to the cinema, can I?

38
00:02:43,595 --> 00:02:45,120
Are you an actual idiot?

39
00:02:45,155 --> 00:02:46,760
Sorry?

40
00:02:46,795 --> 00:02:52,520
What do you use? Oh, well, I say, "My niece is ill and I have to help."

41
00:02:52,555 --> 00:02:56,360
Oh, that's brilliant. I know, I am particularly clever.

42
00:02:56,395 --> 00:03:00,360
If your Mum does set you up just look at it as good dating practice.

43
00:03:00,395 --> 00:03:03,800
Might help with Gary. Gary and I are just friends. Really.

44
00:03:03,835 --> 00:03:07,080
It's easier. And, anyway, I don't need help with dating.

45
00:03:07,115 --> 00:03:09,840
I've been on loads of dates.

46
00:03:12,715 --> 00:03:18,080
So, you know, don't doubt me, Stevie. I am a smooth operator.

47
00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:24,400
That took me ages!

48
00:03:24,435 --> 00:03:27,120
Well, I'm stuck in it now and it's all your fault.

49
00:03:27,155 --> 00:03:32,000
That took me ages and ages and ages and ages and ages...

50
00:03:32,035 --> 00:03:34,160
Oh, for heaven's sake.

51
00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:40,040
Darling, it was mortifying at the wedding on Saturday.

52
00:03:40,075 --> 00:03:45,640
The bride didn't throw her bouquet, just passed it to Miranda while someone shouted, "As if!"

53
00:03:47,200 --> 00:03:50,520
But I am determined to find you someone and so -

54
00:03:50,555 --> 00:03:53,760
drum roll, please - I am hosting

55
00:03:53,795 --> 00:03:56,320
a Pride And Prejudice themed party.

56
00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:01,960
Next Friday. The only day Edmund de Tory can do.

57
00:04:03,880 --> 00:04:06,440
Wait, Mum, Mum! Did you say Friday?

58
00:04:06,475 --> 00:04:08,680
Oh, I, I definitely can't make Friday.

59
00:04:08,715 --> 00:04:13,200
Why not? Well, it's my daughter's first birthday.

60
00:04:13,235 --> 00:04:15,840
You don't have a daughter. I don't have a daughter.

61
00:04:15,875 --> 00:04:18,320
I am voting in the House of Commons.

62
00:04:18,355 --> 00:04:20,200
You're not an MP. I'm not an MP.

63
00:04:20,235 --> 00:04:22,280
Eh, I'm washing my shoes.

64
00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:28,320
I tell you what it is. I am baking a hedgehog for Tony Benn's anniversary.

65
00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:31,960
I just... I can't. I get in a panic.

66
00:04:31,995 --> 00:04:33,640
It's a condition. I'm sweating.

67
00:04:33,675 --> 00:04:37,080
Oh, hello. Mum, listen, I don't want...

68
00:04:37,115 --> 00:04:39,360
Such fun. No, I don't think... Such fun.

69
00:04:39,395 --> 00:04:45,040
Such fun. Such fun. Such fun. Such fun. Such fun. Such fun!

70
00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:55,400
I told you!
It's so effective and so annoying.

71
00:04:55,435 --> 00:04:58,120
Why can't she hear - I don't want to get married?

72
00:04:58,155 --> 00:05:02,800
Oh. Thank you. I mean, everyone else knows I hate the idea of intimacy.

73
00:05:02,835 --> 00:05:05,760
I hate the idea of somebody knowing everything about me.

74
00:05:05,795 --> 00:05:08,720
I mean, I don't want somebody knowing that I'm not even 40

75
00:05:08,755 --> 00:05:13,040
and already I have a pair of shoes specifically for driving.

76
00:05:13,075 --> 00:05:15,440
Do you really? No.

77
00:05:19,480 --> 00:05:22,080
I mean, maybe Edmund isn't that bad.

78
00:05:22,115 --> 00:05:24,600
I'll look him up. How do you spell de Tory?

79
00:05:24,635 --> 00:05:27,120
Tory, as in T-O-R-Y.

80
00:05:27,155 --> 00:05:32,080
Has friends called Hugo and Biffy and pretends to like hoodies.

81
00:05:32,115 --> 00:05:35,680
Ooh, satire. Stylish.

82
00:05:40,680 --> 00:05:42,800
Is it definitely too early for a mojito?

83
00:05:42,835 --> 00:05:46,760
Miranda, it's half past ten in the morning! Course not, come on.

84
00:05:46,795 --> 00:05:49,680
Clive no, no. Slippery slope.

85
00:05:49,715 --> 00:05:52,680
Miranda, why don't you ask your Mum to have the party here?

86
00:05:52,715 --> 00:05:54,480
Clive and I can keep an eye on you.

87
00:05:54,515 --> 00:05:56,960
And, to be honest, I could do with the business.

88
00:05:56,995 --> 00:06:00,840
I can't believe how much takings are down since you went on a diet. Ha-ha

89
00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:04,280
Oh, not joking.

90
00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:09,040
No, Gary, look, it can't go ahead.

91
00:06:09,075 --> 00:06:12,120
Please. Pretty please.

92
00:06:12,155 --> 00:06:14,480
Fine. I wouldn't have got out of it anyway.

93
00:06:14,515 --> 00:06:17,160
Thank you. And maybe this Edward's not that bad...

94
00:06:17,195 --> 00:06:18,840
No, no, no. Sorry, not Edward...

95
00:06:18,875 --> 00:06:21,480
Edmund. Edward - normal person.

96
00:06:21,515 --> 00:06:25,360
Edmund - weird person. Mund.

97
00:06:25,395 --> 00:06:28,720
Right, well maybe this Mund isn't that bad after all.

98
00:06:28,755 --> 00:06:32,080
Although he'll definitely be a man that does sports manoeuvres.

99
00:06:32,115 --> 00:06:33,800
You know, sports mimes.

100
00:06:33,835 --> 00:06:39,480
Men that can't help themselves suddenly practising a sport move - a bit of golf. Ah!

101
00:06:39,515 --> 00:06:42,560
That, for me, is the main difference between men and women.

102
00:06:42,595 --> 00:06:48,440
Men feel the need to announce their manlihood by a quick, er, sport move. Women don't do that, do they?

103
00:06:48,475 --> 00:06:51,960
You don't suddenly find women going, "Hoovering, missed a bit."

104
00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:56,320
"Take your shoes off, dear.

105
00:06:56,355 --> 00:06:58,960
"And Febreze."

106
00:06:58,995 --> 00:07:04,520
Well, hopefully, being set up will give you much-needed practice in the dating department.

107
00:07:04,555 --> 00:07:07,480
Why do people keep saying this?
I'm fine with the dating.

108
00:07:07,515 --> 00:07:10,160
All right. Pretend you're in a club and approach Gary.

109
00:07:10,195 --> 00:07:11,800
OK. Right.

110
00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:16,440
There's music, I'm feeling it.

111
00:07:17,360 --> 00:07:19,280
It's a bit camp, but we'll go with it.

112
00:07:21,880 --> 00:07:24,360
Hi! Hi. How are you?

113
00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:34,040
Miranda, problem.

114
00:07:34,075 --> 00:07:35,800
I found Edmund de Tory online.

115
00:07:35,835 --> 00:07:38,360
Photo... Oh, what is that?

116
00:07:38,395 --> 00:07:42,440
I literally can't tell which way up that photo's meant to be.

117
00:07:42,475 --> 00:07:44,480
Face down surely.

118
00:07:44,515 --> 00:07:46,800
High five.

119
00:07:46,835 --> 00:07:48,520
Not good enough for the five.

120
00:07:48,555 --> 00:07:50,920
Recent profile update.

121
00:07:50,955 --> 00:07:54,920
"Any fillies want a ride, I don't mean a horse."

122
00:07:56,480 --> 00:07:59,760
Imagine what I'll turn into if I end up with him? It's not funny.

123
00:07:59,795 --> 00:08:02,360
I mean, bare minimum, living on a country estate,

124
00:08:02,395 --> 00:08:05,760
with a black Labrador called Jasper, pronounced Jaaasper.

125
00:08:05,795 --> 00:08:09,000
Jaaasper. Come here. Heel!

126
00:08:09,035 --> 00:08:11,040
Jaaasper. Will you put that down?

127
00:08:11,075 --> 00:08:13,120
Argh! No, no!

128
00:08:13,155 --> 00:08:16,320
Oh, I'm so sorry. I think he thinks your toddler's a pheasant.

129
00:08:17,435 --> 00:08:18,520
Jaaasper! Walkies!

130
00:08:18,555 --> 00:08:19,960
Right, party's off.

131
00:08:19,995 --> 00:08:22,160
What?! Come on, I need the business.

132
00:08:22,195 --> 00:08:25,840
Tough. Come on, think of an excuse. Emergency walk? Emergency walk.

133
00:08:25,875 --> 00:08:27,960
Long way up, short way down. Go!

134
00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:35,280
Ok, task - excuse. Let's workshop this.

135
00:08:35,315 --> 00:08:37,840
Umm... a family member is dying.

136
00:08:37,875 --> 00:08:39,840
Not really going to work on my family.

137
00:08:39,875 --> 00:08:42,120
You're working?
Something she'd believe.

138
00:08:42,155 --> 00:08:44,040
Gym class? Something she'd believe.

139
00:08:44,075 --> 00:08:46,760
Joined WeightWatchers?
Something she'd believe.

140
00:08:46,795 --> 00:08:48,640
A date? Something she'd believe.

141
00:08:48,675 --> 00:08:52,160
Hi, I'm looking for something for my niece's party.

142
00:08:52,195 --> 00:08:54,440
Not now, customer. Sorry, we're on me.

143
00:08:54,475 --> 00:08:56,920
Um, oh, actually, hang on.

144
00:08:56,955 --> 00:09:00,600
If you had to think of an excuse to get out of a party, what would you say?

145
00:09:00,635 --> 00:09:03,400
Oh, er, I usually say, and I know it's awful, um...

146
00:09:03,435 --> 00:09:04,800
"Sorry, my mother's ill."

147
00:09:04,835 --> 00:09:09,120
I can't tell my mother my mother's ill. Have you thought this through?

148
00:09:09,155 --> 00:09:11,840
To be fair, I didn't know the circumstances.

149
00:09:11,875 --> 00:09:13,600
Hopeless. Can you leave, please?

150
00:09:13,635 --> 00:09:17,120
You can't ask a customer to leave. I can if he's annoying me.

151
00:09:17,155 --> 00:09:19,600
No, I'm happy to go. He's happy to go. No, stay.

152
00:09:19,635 --> 00:09:21,960
I'd rather go. See?
Only because you bullied him.

153
00:09:21,995 --> 00:09:24,200
Stay and browse. No. Stay and browse!

154
00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:27,080
Please, please, don't, don't hurt me.

155
00:09:27,115 --> 00:09:30,520
Come on, let's get back to task excuse, yeah?

156
00:09:30,555 --> 00:09:32,720
Let's do the thinking rubber bands.

157
00:09:32,755 --> 00:09:36,080
Good idea. Actually, you can do pitch in. That'd be very helpful.

158
00:09:36,115 --> 00:09:39,560
We don't do the thinking caps here, we do the thinking rubber bands.

159
00:09:39,595 --> 00:09:43,080
Okay, so, erm, sit down. That's it. OK.

160
00:09:43,115 --> 00:09:47,080
Now, you pop it on your head and you see what springs to mind, OK?

161
00:09:47,115 --> 00:09:49,560
You ready? And go.

162
00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:59,600
Ooh! Anything? No. No. Ooh! Ooh.. Nothing. Nothing.

163
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:02,520
You definitely got nothing?

164
00:10:02,555 --> 00:10:05,880
No. To be fair, I don't understand the world I've just walked into.

165
00:10:05,915 --> 00:10:07,480
How am I going to get out of it?

166
00:10:07,515 --> 00:10:10,560
Hey, relax. Yeah, you know, stress is not good for the body.

167
00:10:10,595 --> 00:10:12,400
Why don't you go for a nice massage?

168
00:10:12,435 --> 00:10:15,880
No. The last time I got stuck in the head hole. It wasn't relaxing.

169
00:10:15,915 --> 00:10:18,400
What about yoga?
I'm not allowed back.

170
00:10:18,435 --> 00:10:20,960
And breath in.

171
00:10:20,995 --> 00:10:23,560
And let it all out. Well, it's my mum, you see.

172
00:10:23,595 --> 00:10:25,680
She's never listened and it winds me up.

173
00:10:25,715 --> 00:10:28,720
Doesn't she realise I'm 34, with my own life to lead?

174
00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:36,160
Oh, no, it's Tilly. That's all I need. Miranda?

175
00:10:36,195 --> 00:10:38,560
I know you hate being set up,

176
00:10:38,595 --> 00:10:42,320
but... No, Tilly. Sssh. I have found you someone tremendulent.

177
00:10:43,440 --> 00:10:46,080
He's an ex-Army doctor. "Dreamboat Charlie".

178
00:10:46,115 --> 00:10:49,760
You would not be punching below your weight. He's a total nudulator.

179
00:10:49,795 --> 00:10:51,520
I don't know... Very sexy. Sexy.

180
00:10:51,555 --> 00:10:54,720
He's literally just come back from La Grande Pomme,

181
00:10:54,755 --> 00:10:58,400
where he's entre nous made a shed of Johnny Cashingtons. Huh?

182
00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:02,640
He's made a lot of money in New York. Right.

183
00:11:02,675 --> 00:11:05,840
And, sorry, bear with.

184
00:11:05,875 --> 00:11:11,840
Bear with. Bear with. Bear with.

185
00:11:11,875 --> 00:11:15,320
Bear with. Back.

186
00:11:15,355 --> 00:11:19,040
Yes, and he's seen a photo

187
00:11:19,075 --> 00:11:20,640
and he's still interested.

188
00:11:20,675 --> 00:11:22,520
That's a photo of you!

189
00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:28,680
Miranda, why don't you go on a date with him? Then Penny might cancel the party. No, I'm sorry.

190
00:11:28,715 --> 00:11:30,160
I hate being set up. I can't.

191
00:11:30,195 --> 00:11:33,320
Oh, that is a major pity - and his friend, Colonel Shame!

192
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:37,640
You know where I am if you change your mind.

193
00:11:37,675 --> 00:11:40,760
Ciao, bella. Emberg!

194
00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:54,040
What part of not wanting to be set up do people not understand?
Here we go.

195
00:11:54,075 --> 00:11:56,800
I hate to be anywhere that involves flirting, which,

196
00:11:56,835 --> 00:12:00,480
let me tell you, at 6 foot 1, is not easy. No-one's ever taller than me.

197
00:12:00,515 --> 00:12:03,720
I spend my time lowering the height with the forward knee bend.

198
00:12:03,755 --> 00:12:07,080
"How do you do, sir?" Trouble is your arms are suddenly

199
00:12:07,115 --> 00:12:11,320
disproportionately long, which is weird and moving off becomes tricky.

200
00:12:11,355 --> 00:12:14,120
They ask me for a drink, I have to follow like this.

201
00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:22,680
I mean, imagine that!
Hey, calm down. Have you ever thought about listening to whale music?

202
00:12:22,715 --> 00:12:25,840
Oh, whale music!
What a load of bollocks.

203
00:12:28,755 --> 00:12:30,840
Oh, that's nice!

204
00:12:30,875 --> 00:12:36,120
OK. Yes, I get in a dating state. But that's boarding school for you.

205
00:12:36,155 --> 00:12:41,240
Starved of male company for years, still now when a bloke says, "Hi," I think, nice spring wedding.

206
00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:48,560
I mean, essentially, I'm not fussy when it comes to men, my mother's choices aside. I have three rules.

207
00:12:48,595 --> 00:12:51,240
Firstly, they're straight.

208
00:12:51,275 --> 00:12:57,880
Secondly, they're aged between 18 and 65.

209
00:12:57,915 --> 00:13:00,200
Thirdly - quite particular this one -

210
00:13:00,235 --> 00:13:02,400
I can't abide a high pitched voice.

211
00:13:02,435 --> 00:13:04,640
You know, it's the David Beckham complex.

212
00:13:04,675 --> 00:13:08,440
They look great, say something, and the magic's gone.

213
00:13:09,840 --> 00:13:12,040
Hi, I'm Miranda.

214
00:13:12,075 --> 00:13:13,560
Nice to meet you.

215
00:13:13,595 --> 00:13:15,960
So, what brings you here?

216
00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:18,760
Brrr! Brrr! Brrr! Brrr!

217
00:13:18,795 --> 00:13:21,200
Hello? It's the new Nokia.

218
00:13:21,235 --> 00:13:23,640
"An emergency at home," you say?

219
00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:26,600
This is all Mum's fault.

220
00:13:26,635 --> 00:13:31,400
A "Pride and Prejudice" party? And if I hear "Such fun!" one more time.

221
00:13:31,435 --> 00:13:33,680
Miranda! I tried to stop her.

222
00:13:33,715 --> 00:13:36,840
No, she'll want what I call "a party update".

223
00:13:36,875 --> 00:13:43,320
So, the Mr Darcy look-alike is happy to arrive dry and we can moisten him ourselves.

224
00:13:43,355 --> 00:13:46,280
The flowers... No, Mum, please stop.

225
00:13:46,315 --> 00:13:48,880
I... I definitely can't make Friday.

226
00:13:48,915 --> 00:13:51,880
Why not? Erm, well,

227
00:13:51,915 --> 00:13:55,080
Stevie's little niece is seriously ill.

228
00:13:57,160 --> 00:13:58,680
Oh, I'm sorry. That's awful.

229
00:13:58,715 --> 00:14:01,120
And I've said I'll do a shift that night, so...

230
00:14:01,155 --> 00:14:06,240
Why can't Stevie look after her?
She can't, can she? No, she can't.

231
00:14:06,275 --> 00:14:08,000
Why not? You'd have to ask her.

232
00:14:08,035 --> 00:14:10,840
That's you. Oh, yes.

233
00:14:10,875 --> 00:14:13,360
So, why can't she? She's, I'm...

234
00:14:13,395 --> 00:14:17,000
umm... going to the cinema.

235
00:14:17,035 --> 00:14:19,600
Surely the child is more important?
The film is...

236
00:14:19,635 --> 00:14:21,320
Very important... important.

237
00:14:21,355 --> 00:14:23,840
What is it?
It's... umm... It's...

238
00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:28,280
It's Ice Age 3 - Dawn Of The Dinosaurs.

239
00:14:28,315 --> 00:14:30,720
Not important enough. Not important enough.

240
00:14:30,755 --> 00:14:32,320
It's, um...

241
00:14:32,355 --> 00:14:34,160
It's Citizen Kane. Good.

242
00:14:34,195 --> 00:14:36,280
Citizen Kane. Yeah.

243
00:14:36,315 --> 00:14:40,680
It is an important film, but I should have thought your family would come first.

244
00:14:40,715 --> 00:14:43,640
Yes, Stevie. That's really insensitive of you to ask me

245
00:14:43,675 --> 00:14:46,520
to look after your niece so you can go to the cinema!

246
00:14:46,555 --> 00:14:48,720
Oh, well, good. So we're all on.

247
00:14:48,755 --> 00:14:50,800
Oh, goody

248
00:14:50,835 --> 00:14:56,080
Wait. Penny, it must be a massive effort to host a party just to set Miranda up.

249
00:14:56,115 --> 00:15:00,440
Particularly when she's already got a date. With a doctor.

250
00:15:00,475 --> 00:15:03,240
Oh, no, darling, that's called an appointment.

251
00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:08,200
No, no. An Army doctor. Really?

252
00:15:08,235 --> 00:15:10,280
Yeah. Friend of Tilly's. Really?

253
00:15:10,315 --> 00:15:13,280
Oh, what we save from the party we put towards the wedding.

254
00:15:13,315 --> 00:15:16,080
Good luck, darling. Don't say, "Such fun."

255
00:15:16,115 --> 00:15:20,360
Well, if it annoys you that much, no I won't. Such fun.

256
00:15:20,395 --> 00:15:23,840
Such fun! Ha! Ooh, a double!

257
00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:29,440
What did you do that for? You know I don't want to go on a date.

258
00:15:29,475 --> 00:15:31,880
Well, it's the ticket out.

259
00:15:31,915 --> 00:15:33,320
And he might be nice.

260
00:15:33,355 --> 00:15:35,360
Argh!

261
00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:39,800
Hellooo! Oh, hello. You look nice.

262
00:15:39,835 --> 00:15:42,960
Thank you, please, very much, please, thanks very to you.

263
00:15:42,995 --> 00:15:46,160
I'm meeting someone. Yes, I know. Your mum just called.

264
00:15:46,195 --> 00:15:49,960
She's cancelled the party. She was going to spend a shedload here.

265
00:15:49,995 --> 00:15:51,920
Don't blame me. It was her idea.

266
00:15:51,955 --> 00:15:54,720
I'm just meeting the man of my dreams. And here I am.

267
00:15:54,755 --> 00:15:59,120
Oh, ha-ha-ha Listen to my genuine laughter.

268
00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:04,120
So, who is this man of your dreams?

269
00:16:04,155 --> 00:16:08,120
A friend of Tilly's. She said he'd be wearing a red carnation, so look out...

270
00:16:08,155 --> 00:16:10,600
A friend of Tilly's?
Yes, OK, he might be awful.

271
00:16:10,635 --> 00:16:13,760
Can we have a signal, just in case I need help? How about...

272
00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:22,200
Clive, it's got to be something subtle I can slip into a social situation.

273
00:16:22,235 --> 00:16:25,080
How can I make this seem natural on a date?

274
00:16:25,115 --> 00:16:28,840
All right, calm your plimsolls. Why don't you ask me for more sauce?

275
00:16:28,875 --> 00:16:32,160
And then I can say, "The kitchen's on fire. Everybody out."

276
00:16:32,195 --> 00:16:35,480
Perfect. I mean, I'm sure I won't need it. She said he was lovely.

277
00:16:53,400 --> 00:17:00,000
Oh, hello. Well, hello, Totty.

278
00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:02,840
Enchante, what?

279
00:17:19,120 --> 00:17:21,440
So, Charlie, tell me.

280
00:17:21,475 --> 00:17:24,040
The nickname, "Dreamboat".

281
00:17:24,075 --> 00:17:25,440
How did that come about?

282
00:17:25,475 --> 00:17:28,280
It's the name of a floating brothel.

283
00:17:28,315 --> 00:17:33,080
To cut a bloody funny story short, I went in, with a few needs...

284
00:17:33,115 --> 00:17:35,160
Ooh, ooh, could it be shorter?

285
00:17:35,195 --> 00:17:39,000
There was this girl, we were in a cubicle... Really short. Like you.

286
00:17:39,035 --> 00:17:40,880
The boat sank. There we go.

287
00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:47,320
You know, I was sceptical, but blimey, Tilly got this right, what?

288
00:17:47,355 --> 00:17:51,440
Because she knows I fancy women I wouldn't necessarily beat in a fight.

289
00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:57,840
Oh, where's the little fellow gone?

290
00:17:57,875 --> 00:17:59,520
Erm, what can I get you?

291
00:17:59,555 --> 00:18:03,080
Booze. That should do it, eh?

292
00:18:03,115 --> 00:18:05,560
Whatever you recommend. OK.

293
00:18:05,595 --> 00:18:07,240
Booze!

294
00:18:07,275 --> 00:18:11,040
I bloody love crisps, don't you?

295
00:18:15,755 --> 00:18:18,600
Right, here's some wine. Thank you, Clive.

296
00:18:18,635 --> 00:18:22,560
Clive, I was wondering if I could have some more sauce?

297
00:18:22,595 --> 00:18:25,640
You haven't ordered yet.

298
00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:31,920
Clive, I just have a feeling I might need some more sauce.

299
00:18:31,955 --> 00:18:35,480
I just think you might need some menus!

300
00:18:35,515 --> 00:18:40,120
Don't you often wonder if food could talk what it would sound like?

301
00:18:40,155 --> 00:18:43,000
Hi, I'm an olive!

302
00:18:43,035 --> 00:18:44,440
It's a bloody funny game.

303
00:18:44,475 --> 00:18:47,200
Gorgeous! Get off!

304
00:18:47,235 --> 00:18:49,120
Clive. Clive.

305
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:55,440
Gary, how's the kitchen?

306
00:18:55,475 --> 00:18:57,000
It's not on fire, is it?

307
00:18:58,080 --> 00:19:00,680
Er, no, no, the kitchen's fine. Why?

308
00:19:00,715 --> 00:19:03,600
No reason, you bastard. No reason at all.

309
00:19:03,635 --> 00:19:08,360
Listen, I know we've not even eaten yet, but I'm feeling chemistry.

310
00:19:08,395 --> 00:19:11,160
Would you be on for coming back to mine for a bit of

311
00:19:11,195 --> 00:19:12,960
pumpy de rumpy?!

312
00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:17,480
Oh!

313
00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:23,080
Silly me!
I appear to have spilt my drink.

314
00:19:23,115 --> 00:19:25,280
Excuse me for one second, please.

315
00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:30,280
Oh!

316
00:19:30,315 --> 00:19:33,440
I'm going to kill you both. Come here. Come.

317
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:39,800
Morning. Oh, dear, pyjamas in the work place?

318
00:19:39,835 --> 00:19:43,000
It was really bad. I'm still in shock.

319
00:19:43,035 --> 00:19:45,960
Tilly's already told Mum I'm not interested in Charlie,

320
00:19:45,995 --> 00:19:47,840
so the party, and set up, are back on.

321
00:19:47,875 --> 00:19:51,160
You do know you might have to go, don't you? I know.

322
00:19:51,195 --> 00:19:56,480
The only way of not being set up is if you were already engaged

323
00:19:56,515 --> 00:20:00,240
and, well, I mean this in the nicest, most well-meaning way possible,

324
00:20:00,275 --> 00:20:04,120
but that is not going to happen in 24 years, is it? Let alone 24 hours.

325
00:20:06,120 --> 00:20:07,640
I'm not that bad.

326
00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:11,320
Hi. Oh, hi.

327
00:20:11,355 --> 00:20:14,640
When I'm naked in bed and I roll over, my breasts clap.

328
00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:22,160
Hi, I never got anything for my niece's party.

329
00:20:22,195 --> 00:20:23,840
Do you think this is a good time?

330
00:20:23,875 --> 00:20:25,720
There never seems to be a good time.

331
00:20:25,755 --> 00:20:29,320
Oh, can you ask Miranda for her hand in marriage? What?!

332
00:20:29,355 --> 00:20:32,920
If you pretend you're together, problem solved. Oh, that's good.

333
00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:38,560
Hi! When I'm naked in bed and roll over, my breasts... No, not helping.

334
00:20:38,595 --> 00:20:42,640
I only came in for indoor fireworks. I know it's weird, customer.

335
00:20:42,675 --> 00:20:46,120
I'm calling you that as it would be odder if I found out your name now.

336
00:20:46,155 --> 00:20:53,000
But if you don't pretend to marry me, I might become Miranda de Tory, this is my husband Ed-MUND. OK?

337
00:20:53,035 --> 00:20:55,280
This is what you'd wake up to every morning.

338
00:20:55,315 --> 00:21:00,120
Again, not helping. Very rude. Who wouldn't want some of this, eh?

339
00:21:00,155 --> 00:21:02,520
This of a morning? Do you like it?

340
00:21:02,555 --> 00:21:03,920
Little sheep, ha!

341
00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:09,360
I can't. For a start, I'm already married.

342
00:21:09,395 --> 00:21:13,040
Oh, well, just end it. Is that too much to ask? To a man. I'm gay.

343
00:21:13,075 --> 00:21:16,560
Oh, really? Oh, right. You don't believe me? Well, Mum would.

344
00:21:16,595 --> 00:21:19,760
She thinks anyone still single on the verge of 40 is a lesbian.

345
00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:22,560
Oh, hello. Hello.

346
00:21:22,595 --> 00:21:24,200
That's good. That's very good.

347
00:21:24,235 --> 00:21:27,840
If you come out, there's a chance your mother will never talk to you again.

348
00:21:27,875 --> 00:21:30,480
This plan has no downside.

349
00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:35,840


350
00:21:35,875 --> 00:21:37,640


351
00:21:37,675 --> 00:21:40,200


352
00:21:40,235 --> 00:21:43,320


353
00:21:43,355 --> 00:21:46,360
Uh, customer. Just us. Sorry. Always just us.

354
00:21:47,320 --> 00:21:52,360
Ah, Mum. Listen, I've got something to tell you. Put your pen down.

355
00:21:52,395 --> 00:21:55,520
You don't need to arrange the party or set me up because,

356
00:21:55,555 --> 00:21:59,000
well, I am glad you are sitting down. Because the thing is...

357
00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:01,280
.. I'm gay.

358
00:22:01,315 --> 00:22:02,520
I knew it.

359
00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:06,160
Gary, you owe me 50 quid.

360
00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:14,200
Oh, darling, I am, what I call, thrilled.

361
00:22:14,235 --> 00:22:16,600
This is fantastic news.

362
00:22:16,635 --> 00:22:19,600
What? I always had my suspicions and kept hoping.

363
00:22:19,635 --> 00:22:24,000
You bat for the other side and all this time I didn't think you batted for anyone.

364
00:22:24,035 --> 00:22:29,840
But who knew your wicket was being thoroughly knocked by a bowler with no balls?

365
00:22:29,875 --> 00:22:32,960
And I understand the lure. We've all been the way of the lily.

366
00:22:32,995 --> 00:22:35,880
What? Belinda and I had a fun time at school.

367
00:22:35,915 --> 00:22:41,080
La, la, da, da! Sorry, eh, Gary, sorry, party's off.

368
00:22:41,115 --> 00:22:42,880
What?! Miranda's a lesbian.

369
00:22:42,915 --> 00:22:45,280
Well, why don't we make it a coming out party?

370
00:22:45,315 --> 00:22:46,960
Ooh!

371
00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:51,560
That's a splendid idea.

372
00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:03,840
Gary. You... Sorry, I didn't think she'd say yes.

373
00:23:03,875 --> 00:23:08,120
Just because you want the business. You are something that I'm too nice to say.

374
00:23:08,155 --> 00:23:11,920
Party's on, party's off. It's almost like I'm in some kind of farce.

375
00:23:13,560 --> 00:23:16,080
Listen, Mum, I'm not ready for a coming out pa...

376
00:23:16,115 --> 00:23:19,720
Darling, it's 2009, deal with it. I've already got the dress theme -

377
00:23:19,800 --> 00:23:22,720
simply "famous lesbians throughout history".

378
00:23:22,755 --> 00:23:26,480
That's a room full of people dressed as either KD Lang or Sandi Toksvig.

379
00:23:26,515 --> 00:23:29,720
No, I tell you what. We've got the Pride And Prejudice outfits -

380
00:23:29,755 --> 00:23:33,000
let's do Tipping The Velvet. This is going really badly.

381
00:23:33,035 --> 00:23:35,440
We'll have to find you a suitable partner.

382
00:23:35,475 --> 00:23:37,760
Don't set me up. Is there someone?

383
00:23:37,795 --> 00:23:41,000
Yes. Erm...

384
00:23:41,035 --> 00:23:42,480
Stevie.

385
00:23:42,515 --> 00:23:46,120
Oh, your father and I had hoped for something rather better than that.

386
00:23:46,155 --> 00:23:48,760
But on the plus side, he owes me 50 quid.

387
00:23:50,280 --> 00:23:51,920
Oh, I've just had a thought.

388
00:23:51,955 --> 00:23:54,760
Gary, I'll come back later to discuss everything.

389
00:23:54,795 --> 00:23:58,200
Darling, before they close, I seem to remember the National Trust

390
00:23:58,235 --> 00:24:02,560
do life membership discounts for lesbians. Come on!

391
00:24:02,595 --> 00:24:04,520
I hate you. And I hate you.

392
00:24:09,880 --> 00:24:13,080
De-de-de-de-de! Can you please explain what's going on now?

393
00:24:13,115 --> 00:24:18,560
I thought you were coming out. Why is this still Pride And Prejudice?
It's not. OK, here's the thing.

394
00:24:18,595 --> 00:24:22,600
We're an item, Mum's hosting us a Tipping The Velvet-themed coming out party,

395
00:24:22,635 --> 00:24:24,480
we're members of the National Trust

396
00:24:24,515 --> 00:24:27,920
and can book our civil partnership there at a 10% discount.

397
00:24:27,955 --> 00:24:31,480
You've got me life membership to the National Trust?

398
00:24:31,515 --> 00:24:35,160
You're definitely focussing on the wrong bit.

399
00:24:35,195 --> 00:24:38,600
Everybody! They're here!
What are we going to do?

400
00:24:38,635 --> 00:24:42,720
We'll just have to get on with it. Come on, lesbian role play.

401
00:24:44,600 --> 00:24:46,120
Hurrah for the lesbians!

402
00:24:49,840 --> 00:24:54,080
Stevie, stop acting the couple. This is going to get creepy and complicated.

403
00:24:54,115 --> 00:24:56,200
Sorry? Are you ashamed of me?

404
00:24:56,235 --> 00:25:01,840
What? I think you'll find your family would be amazed, nay, mightily impressed with me on your arm.

405
00:25:01,875 --> 00:25:04,560
Look at me! I'm a hot fox. Stevie.

406
00:25:04,595 --> 00:25:06,560
Suddenly I'm not good enough for you.

407
00:25:06,595 --> 00:25:09,040
You do know you're not really a lesbian?

408
00:25:10,840 --> 00:25:13,400
This is all your fault. You know that? Sorry

409
00:25:13,435 --> 00:25:16,320
I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm supposed to be at my niece's.

410
00:25:17,480 --> 00:25:19,160
Everything all right, darling?

411
00:25:19,195 --> 00:25:22,080
Just going to check on the Lesbian Blancmange.

412
00:25:31,440 --> 00:25:32,480
Deliberate.

413
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:38,680
So you've seen Edmund Dettori?

414
00:25:38,715 --> 00:25:41,000
Such a shame. I thought he was perfect.

415
00:25:41,035 --> 00:25:43,200
That is Edmund De Tory?

416
00:25:43,235 --> 00:25:45,240
But he doesn't have a weird face.

417
00:25:45,275 --> 00:25:48,280
Oh, Dettori. D-E-T-T-O-R-I.

418
00:25:48,315 --> 00:25:49,560
Italian, yes.

419
00:25:51,120 --> 00:25:54,480
Right! That's it. Everybody!
Can I have your attention, please?

420
00:25:54,515 --> 00:25:56,200
Just a short announcement.

421
00:25:56,235 --> 00:25:58,200
This will come as a shock to some,

422
00:25:58,235 --> 00:26:00,760
particularly as this is a coming out party,

423
00:26:00,795 --> 00:26:03,200
but it turns out, the thing is, I'm straight.

424
00:26:03,235 --> 00:26:06,280
Aw!

425
00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:16,960
Darling, you are a what I call, "nightmare", but I still love you.

426
00:26:16,995 --> 00:26:22,560
Now please allow me to do all what I wanted to do in the first place and introduce you to Edmund. Go on then.

427
00:26:22,595 --> 00:26:23,960
Good luck.

428
00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:26,440
Oh, wow, Mr Darcy.

429
00:26:26,475 --> 00:26:29,320
You look better than I've ever imagined in that.

430
00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:33,960
Miranda? Better go.

431
00:26:33,995 --> 00:26:36,360
Yes, of course. To meet the man of your dreams.

432
00:26:36,395 --> 00:26:38,480
Edmund?

433
00:26:38,515 --> 00:26:40,120
This is Miranda.

434
00:26:40,155 --> 00:26:43,160
Nice to meet you. Thank you very much for coming, please.

435
00:26:43,195 --> 00:26:47,520
And thank you for organising a wonderful night.

436
00:26:51,920 --> 00:26:55,800
Um, sorry, have you got something stuck in your throat?

437
00:26:55,835 --> 00:26:57,560
A little quiche or something?

438
00:26:57,595 --> 00:26:59,280
No, I'm fine, thank you.

439
00:27:03,480 --> 00:27:06,080
Good night, everyone!
Miranda, you can't leave.

440
00:27:06,115 --> 00:27:07,880
This is your party. Such fun. No...

441
00:27:07,915 --> 00:27:11,040
Such fun. Such fun. Such fun.

442
00:27:11,075 --> 00:27:14,240
Such fun. Such fun. Such fun. And Run!

443
00:27:42,600 --> 00:27:45,640
Not fun. Not fun. Not fun. Not in any way fun.

444
00:27:57,440 --> 00:28:00,480
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445
00:28:00,515 --> 00:28:03,520
E- mail subtitling@bbc. co. uk

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